By Sasha Elenko, Co-Content Editor
There are two types of people in this world: those who drink kombucha, and those who will burn in hell. For the sake of positivity, I will only be addressing the difficult choices faced by those who do not live under a rock.
Namely, how does one choose a bottle of kombucha?
Five years ago, it would have been easy. GT’s was basically the only brand that had made its way onto supermarket shelves. But recently, grocery stores across the Pacific Northwest have undergone a proliferation of carbonated probiotic drinks, and as a result hipsters are being exposed to real “live cultures.”
Now, the New Age traveller is forced to either take a leap of faith and select one of the 50-plus varieties offered at most stores or stick with their usual kombucha, missing out on a real adventure. What the world really needs is a guide to kombucha shopping.
Fortunately for the world, I’ve made just that.
Using a sample set consisting of seven different brands of kombucha offered at Vashon Thriftway — each in an arbitrarily selected flavor — I asked five Riptide staff members to rank them from best to worst. I then took the inverse of the average ranking multiplied by the price per fluid ounce and used that data to create the comprehensive hierarchy of kombucha products that follows.
- Live Soda Raw Organic Kombucha Culture Cola ($2.99│12 fl. oz.) — Also known as “nasty cola,” this comical excuse for kombucha was ranked seventh by four out of five participants. It may be worth mentioning, however, that four of the five participants also dislike the cola. Inexplicably, the fifth participant, Campbell Foster, ranked it as her number one pick. We’re still scratching our heads (and tongues) about that one.
- Clearly Kombucha Asian Pear ($4.29│14 fl. oz.) — The website for this product says it tastes like “a crisp sample at the farmers market,” feels like “New Year’s Eve without the hangover” and goes with “beach days.” As the description suggests, this product attempts to combine things that really should not be combined. Not that Asian pear is a bad flavor — it’s not. It’s just that this particular Asian pear kombucha tastes like pear cider mixed with apple juice and saliva.
- Brew Dr. Kombucha Lemon Ginger Cayenne ($3.59│14 fl. oz.) — With perhaps the healthiest looking bottle, the Brew Doctor is clearly full of crap (both literally and figuratively). This “kombucha” was strongly reminiscent of water, had very weak fizz and did not taste remotely like lemon, ginger or cayenne. In fact, the only flavor we tasted was sour milk.
- Humm Kombucha Apple Cinnamon ($3.49│14 fl. oz.) — One step up from Brew Dr., Humm did actually have a flavor, but it was probably not the right one. It was extremely sweet — almost like apple pie — and could have been easily replicated without using substantial amounts of actual kombucha. However, if you’re just looking for a tasty beverage, you may have found your product.
- GT’s Kombucha Enlightened Synergy Guava Goddess ($3.49│16.2 fl. oz.) — I’m not even going to try to interpret all of the esoteric classifications used by GT’s. What I can tell you, however, is that this prolific brand is quite skilled at balancing fizz and flavor while retaining the original kombucha form. Just be sure to stir before drinking, or else you’re in for an unpleasant surprise.
- Kombucha Wonder Drink Asian Pear and Ginger ($1.39│8.4 fl. oz.) — This is a fine example of Asian pear done right. This product, which is sold in both 8.4-ounce cans and 14-ounce glass bottles, utilizes an oolong tea base to create a pleasant calming, yet refreshing, effect. However, the always-anomalous Campbell Foster ranked this kombucha as her least favorite, calling it “pure vinegar.” Either way, $1.49 makes it a low-risk, high-reward situation.
- Kevita Master Brew Kombucha Grapefruit ($3.69│15.2 fl. oz.) — Easily the most exciting of all the drinks, this kombucha has an exhilaratingly strong fizz, genuine grapefruit tang and kombucha base that is both healthy and tasty. So there.